My thoughts and musings on this thing we call life.

Saturday, August 05, 2006

It's back

For anyone who wants to read it.

The hell with CHH and their stooges, this is my blog, and my life........read it if you will.

Wednesday, June 07, 2006

Sorry Guys

My blog has had to be deleted as my previous employer found it.

You can email me at ksandersuk@hotmail.com if you want my new url.

Monday, June 05, 2006

Musical Monday - "West Point"

Can't write too much tonight as I have just finished consuming more wine than can possibly be considered good for me, but I wanted share this song by Jonatha Brooke. The title is "West Point" and it's a bloody good tune.

New job is confirmed - I start on July 3rd. Car broke down again today though. If it aint one thing it's another!

Sunday, June 04, 2006


Quick update on the job situation - I was called on Friday and told that they want me to start as soon as possible, subject to satisfactory telephone references which they will be getting from CHH tomorrow. Well, they'll get a reference, whether or not it will be satisfactory is something i'm now busy worrying about.

At least I should know by tomorrow afternoon at the latest. Providing all goes well, I plan to hand my notice in tomorrow afternoon and then ask them to give me 'absent leave' so that I can start my new job next week.

I had a friend come to visit me this weekend and i'm sure that friend has gone home sick to death of having to reassure me that CHH can't say anything bad about me!!

It's been a good weekend though - relaxing. Which despite having been off work for a month is just what I needed. I chilled out, watched a couple of movies, caught up on a bit of overdue cleaning and i'm going to spend the next couple of hours watching Angel reruns and wishing there were men like him where I live!

Oh and if you get the time, check out a couple of new blogs I have added to my blog roll.

China Blue - Very witty and amusing!
Cat Girl - Musings, and thoughts of a 32 yr old woman from the UK.
Heather - Funny, female football fan.
Tickles - The rants and rambling of a feline catress!

Enjoy and i'll let you all know how the reference works out.

Thursday, June 01, 2006

Time for some humour...

I saw this picture and I just HAD to post it! Few things actually make me laugh out loud but this did.
I also wanted to share the following article. I drink either beer or white zinfandel....what does your drink say about you??

Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman's personality based on what she drinks. Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts.

The results:

Drink: Beer
Personality: Casual, low-maintenance; down to earth.
Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.

Drink: Blender Drinks
Personality: Flaky, whiny, annoying; a pain in the buttocks.
Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy.

Drink: Mixed Drinks
Personality: Older, more refined, high maintenance, has very picky taste; knows exactly what she wants.
Your Approach: You won't have to approach her, if she is interested, she'll send YOU a drink.

Drink: Wine - (does not include White Zinfandel, see below)
Personality: Conservative and classy; sophisticated yet giggles.
Your Approach: Tell her you love to travel and spend quiet evenings with friends.

Drink: White Zinfandel
Personality: Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated, actually has no clue.
Your approach: Make her feel smarter than she is.... this should be an easy target.

Drink: Shots
Personality: Likes to hang with frat-boy pals and looking to get totally drunk...... and naked. Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. You have been blessed this evening. Nothing to do but wait. However, be careful not to make her mad!

Then there is the MALE addendum. The deal with guys is, as always, very simple and clear cut:

Domestic Beer: He's poor and wants to get laid.

Imported Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get laid.

Wine: He's hoping that the wine thing will give him a sophisticated image to help him get laid.

Whiskey: He doesn't give a hoot about anything but getting laid.

Tequila: He is thinking he has a chance with the toothless waitress.

White Zinfandel: He's gay.

Fingers Crossed

The final interview went fantastically well. The office manager informed me that he was very impressed with my skills and attitude and definitely wanted to employ me. I'm waiting now for him to contact me with a start date and further details about which area of the business he specifically wants to assign me to.

So, fingers crossed that soon it will be Goodbye CHH. Goodbye Bitch from Hell. Goodbye to a place that made me miserable and ill.

Things in most areas are starting to look up. I was actually given a mobile phone contract by TMobile, which is amazing since I have only just been released from Bankruptcy. With the new phone comes an iPod which I have been wanting for ages.

Of course, with all good things there must be a bad thing happen. I made it back from the interview yesterday, popped round to see my Dad, then on the way home my car died. I had to call out the RAC and get towed to a garage. It's completely dead. Not turning over, not doing anything, and 5 minutes prior, it wasn't exhibiting even the slightest sign of a problem.

More money wasted!!!! I refuse to let it dampen my mood though. I have a new job!!!!!!!!!! Fucking fantastic!!

I have a nice relaxing weekend ahead of me. Tonight I think i'll be having a long overdue catch up chat with "T", find out what's going on in sunny Florida. A friend is coming to visit, so it'll be much needed fun and laughs I hope. Football on Saturday, a few dvd's (and I think i'm going to be persuaded to watch horror!) probably a bottle or two of wine and of course lots of talking!!

Then Monday i'm off to the doctors to update my sick note - i'm not going back to CHH, i'll stay signed off till I start my new job. Oh and I get my contact lenses on Monday too.

The times are a changing - for the better!

Tuesday, May 30, 2006

Candy Hearts..

Monday, May 29, 2006

It's a minefield!

Life in the land of the single person. Dating. It truly is an emotional minefield. Reconciling the desire to be a part of something, with the need for independance can be tricky.

When everyone around you is getting coupled up, it can be hard to maintain a belief that the right person is out there somewhere, and that patience is actually a virtue rather than a royal pain in the ass!

I have finally accepted my singledom. With a combination of happiness, and resignation. Now I realise that those two things are mutually exclusive. However, I do not need to find my 'other half' in order to feel whole. I am a whole person, all by myself. The resignation reflects my acceptance that I can't force it to be any other way. I cannot make myself love someone who I just don't 'click' with.

None of this means I have resigned myself to the fate of an eternal spinster. Merely that I am going to follow my life where it takes me, and assume that somewhere along the way it will figure itself out. My Mr Right is out there somewhere, and when i find him - i'll know.

I wonder how many people - men and women - stay in an unhappy relationship to avoid that imagined stigma of being a singleton? I'd be willing to bet that percentage is higher than we would like to think. I only have to listen to some of my friends describe their relationships, the problems they have (and how they choose to ignore them) to realise that those couples that look outwardly perfect, often exhibits the cracks of unhappiness. Look and Brad and Jen. They shattered the illusion of the perfect relationship when Brad left to be with the slutty Angelina (yes, i'm pro Jen!). Then Posh and Becks, portraying their happy united front for the world while Becks got it on with his PA.

My point is that for the longest time I was envious of these seemingly perfect couples that I am surrounded by on a daily basis.

What do I want now? Hmm. Tough question. But one I actually have the answer to. I want to spend time with my friends. Enjoy the single life, one day at a time, having fun as I go. Because one day, a man will walk into my life and change everything. Turn my world upside down and make himself the centre of my universe.

Until that day comes - look out for some interesting dating stories as I get venture back into the minefield!!!!

Musical Monday..."Let Go"

Todays track is from the soundtrack to Garden State (one of my favourite movies) and it is my a band called Frou Frou.
The song is called "Let go" and it's an uplifting kind of dance track that you just want to play on repeat.

I had a nice chilled out weekend. Catching up on some 'me' time. I'm learning to appreciate my own company again. Part of my desire to reconsile the old me with the new me, and come up with a better me. My god that sounded self absorbed haha!!

I'm off to a friends house shortly. Keeping it nice and relaxing, we'll probably sit around drinking endless cups of coffee, gossiping about men (and sex of course) and watching some addictive drivel on tv like DIY shows etc.

On a lighter and brighter note, I went clothes shopping yesterday and for the fist time in a long time I actually enjoyed it. I spent a fair amount of cash on clothes, shoes and of course the prerequisite new hangbag.
Got to be prepared for my interview......

Saturday, May 27, 2006

Revelations and contemplations.

It has been a long time coming but I finally understand why I feel so unhappy all the time. It didn't involve a thunderbolt shooting down from the sky and knocking sense into my stubborn head. It has been more of a gradual realisation, compounded by my first counselling session which was the biggest waste of time I have ever spent.

I wont go into details about the counselling, suffice it to say that they guy was a jerk who clearly wanted to pounce on the fact that my parents split when I was a child and try and make that the source of all my troubles.

What I have come to realise is that I accept far too much. I am too accepting of what is offered to me, believing I am not worth any more than that. Going along with situations I may otherwise be uncomfortable with in order to 'fit in' or be percieved as 'normal'

I have stayed at CHH for 5 years. It never particularly suited me. The people are not my kind of people (with a few exceptions of course) the work is easy enough, but boring since it involves little or no human contact. I stayed because I didn't believe I would be accepted by any other companies to do anything else. I thought I should feel lucky to have a reasonably well paid job.

I have had relationships (long and short term) that I have stayed in because despite a lack of chemistry, or a myriad of other issues, I felt it better to be with someone that be labelled with the stigma of single.

I have become rather withdrawn too. Over the last 6 years I have changed from a girl who was out almost every weekend. Laughing with her friends, not caring about being single, just enjoying life. I still see my friends, but it's usually at my place, where they come for a glass or three of wine and a chat. Rarely do I venture into town, or do anything different.

What has changed in the last 6 years? I started suffering with debilitating migraines. I was given strong medication which caused me to gain a lot of weight. I was involved in a relationship with a guy who told me every day how lousy I looked, how ashamed I should be of having gained weight. I have worked for a company where I have had to suppress the type of girl I really I am. Being outgoing and having fun at work is not generally accepted in most areas of CHH.

I've gone from being bubbly and fun, to relatively quiet and withdrawn. Only those who really know me still get to see the real me.

I want the old me back!! I don't like being a poor imitation. First situation to address is the girl in the mirror.
I don't know that girl looking back at me. On the inside I still feel young and attractive. On the outside I see old, overweight and dull.

So, I need to reclaim myself. New job(hopefully, I passed the interview I went for last week and have the FINAL one on Wednesday), new and more positive outlook, new start. The photo below was taken earlier this year. I'm on the right, Medusa on the left. As I start to shrink back to the old me, I will post updated pictures. So much for new years eve being the time for new beginnings.

Thursday, May 25, 2006

HNT with a difference!!

I bet this caught your attention didn't it? Well I thought since the person who sent it me obviously isn't camera shy I would share it. Say hello to Badminton Boy. You remember the guy who I had one date with and then spent weeks telling I was not in the leat bit interested?

Well he sent me this picture via email today, with a note saying he hoped this would grab my attention and get me to contact him! Ok first of all. I had one date with the guy back in November. Seeing him naked was not on the agenda. Secondly - how arrogant do you have to be to send a picture like this and assume it is all that's needed to get a womans interest?

I decided to be somewhat ethical and blank out the guys face since I am publishing his ass on the web, but I mean seriously guys - what happened to sending a girl flowers??????

Anything but ordinary.

Sometimes I get so weird
I even freak myself out
I laugh myself to sleep
It's my lullaby
Sometimes I drive so fast
Just to feel the danger
I wanna scream
It makes me feel alive

Is it enough to love?
Is it enough to breathe?
Somebody rip my heart out
And leave me here to bleed
Is it enough to die?
Somebody save my life
I'd rather be anything but ordinary please

To walk within the lines
Would make my life so boring
I want to know that I
Have been to the extreme
So knock me off my feet
Come on now give it to me
Anything to make me feel alive
(Lyrics By Avril Lavigne)

I have finally reached the conclusion that I have no burning desire to be ordinary. I don't want to be boring. I rather like being different. I like the fact that I don't always fit in.

I dressed up for my job interview on Tuesday morning and I wore a black suit with a nice pale green v-neck top and a pair of black stilleto heels. My hair was done and my make up was on.
I had to stop by to see my mum on the way and her comment to me was "Ooh let me take a photo of you, I never see you dressed up"
She is right. I rarely dress up. I have been a bit of a tomboy since I was a kid. I like my jeans, I like to wear my hair long, but tie it back often in a ponytail. I almost always wear make up, but it's minimal. My girly consessions are shoes and handbags. (She didn't get the photo either)

Lately I have been lectured my mother that in order to find and keep a nice man I should 'make more of myself'. Apparently, if I get up an hour earlier and spend that extra time faffing around with my hair and male up, it will make all the difference in my life. Personally i'd rather have the extra hour sleep. Even my dad has joined in recently though. I was looked at with disdain last week and told that my clothes were scruffy and that I 'really should make more of an effort'

Hmm, let me be clear. I was wearing a pair of blue jeans, a red t shirt and my trainers. I was dropping some dvds off at my dads house before coming home to continue my cleaning. Should i have dressed up for the occasion?

Despite the fact that I bemoan the lack of a decent man/job in my life, I am not entirely dissatisfied with what I have. I also seriously doubt that applying my make up with a trowel each morning is going to have a positive effect on my life. Nor will teetering around on high heels whilst doing the vaccuuming!!

I genuinely laugh at myself on occasion for being such a nutcase. I wonder where I will be this time next year? Single? Probably. Happy? Hopefully. Anything but ordinary? Definitely

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

Another meme tag thing to do.

I have been tagged by Julie.

I am: a moody bitch. C'est la vie. On a high one day and a low the next.

I want: a model figure (and a supermodels bank balance)

I wish: I could get a new job!!

I hate: Racism, bigotry, cruelty( to animals or people)

I miss: "T" because he is so far away. My dog Bengo, who died 6 years ago.

I fear: Worms. I even dislike the word so much that I never actually say it. I substitute the word 'beans'. You know when people say "That just opened a big can of w****" Well, I use the word beans instead. It amuses my friend G.

I hear: CSI on the tv as I type, and my cat meeping at the door to go out.

I wonder: If I will ever settle down, get married and have children. Not that i'm in a rush you understand, but I do wonder if I have it in me to do it.

I regret: Not going to University after school. I wanted to be a Clinical Psychologist.

I am not: a morning person. Like Julie, I am not good with mornings. I have to be awake at least 20 minutes before I become a reasonable human being.

I dance: when no one is watching.

I sing: all the time. In the car, in the shower, while I get dressed, while I clean. Singing is fun.

I cry: Far too often lately. Enough said.

I am not always: right. As much as I would like to think I am. (Shh, it's our secret!)

I make with my hands: A great lasagne and (I am told) a pretty yummy chocolate fudge cake.

I write: often. Either on my blog, or in my personal diary. It's theraputic and I like to let the creative juices flow sometimes.

I confuse: my emotions. I get things mixed up in my head and either get carried away in the moment, or overanalyse something to the point it becomes a non issue.

I need: some stability in my life. (and eight hours sleep every night too)

I should: quit worrying about the little things in life.

I start: every year with a list of new years resolutions, and break every one before the end of January.

I finish: books very quickly. I speed read, and I get through a lot of books.

Ahh.....now who shall I tag I wonder......Ok, I tag SL, KimmyK, J, and Emerald Eyes.

**Update** I think the job interview yesterday went well. They said they would let me know by the end of the week if I am through to the final stage. Fingers crossed.

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

Behind the veil.

I'm sat at my friend Wonderwebs house writing this as she sits glued to Eastenders. I have been flicking through my blogroll trying to catch up on some long overdue reading. The more blogs I add, the harder it seems to be keeping up with my commenting.

So much going on lately in my life. Crazy that even though i'm not actually working, I seem to have very little time for normal every day stuff like keeping up with my friends. Finding a balance between work and friends is always difficult, but take work out of the picture and add stress and it all goes to hell.

It sometimes feels as though I am looking at life through a veil. Often it's a black veil that puts a dark haze over everything, other times it's a pink veil, that adds a rosy glow to everything I see. What does it take to lift the veil and see things as they truly are? I don't know. I wish I did.

My first counselling session is on Thursday and I worry about what kind of questions I will be asked. What kind of demons will I have to face? Sigh.....

I hate the idea of being a burden to my friends. I am selective with who I talk to and about what, but I wonder if sometimes unloading my thoughts and fears to close friends is something I shouldn't do. We all have our problems and I am always more than happy to be there for my friends if and when they need me. In fact it makes me feel useful.

Like a couple of moments ago - I took a break from writing this to clean rosé wine off Wonderwebs kitchen floor while she ran upstairs in a rage to change her wet clothes. After a lousy rotten day, spilling her much needed wine was the last straw and elicited a reaction far stronger than the normal "oh fuck, i'm such a clumsy cow".

That's all for now, Wonderweb needs me. I'm going to be the person she rants to for the next couple of hours about all that is unfair in her life.

Monday, May 22, 2006

Reality Bites.

Sometimes things don't go according to plan.

When I was a child I had plans. By the time I was 30 I would be married to a wonderful man who I loved with all my heart, with two children called Thomas and Karen. I would have a dog called Snoopy, and a job I loved.

Here I am at 30. Single, no children, no dog, three cats and a job I loathe.

I have spent time focusing on this a lot lately. I have allowed the sadness of reality to invade my mind and affect my moods.

A friend came to see me tonight. Her 30th birthday is next week.
She was lamenting her lack of 'life progress'. We chatted and decided that whilst we may be single, and a million miles from rich. Our lives are far from empty. We have our health. We have friends and families who love us and we love in return.

We talked about the possibility of buying a house together (as friends who don't have partners to buy with) in a couple of years time, if we are both still single. We discussed her career plan, and my hope for a new career. I told her my plans to return to college this autumn.

It was a positive conversation, despite its origins.

I then spoke (briefly) to my friend G.
I worry about him sometimes. Does anyone else have one of those friends that is there for you when no one else is? For me that friend is G. I'm not saying that my other friends wouldn't be there for if I needed them - just that he is so completely selfless with his attention that he often leaves nothing for himself. No energy to tackle his own issues, of which I know there are a few. I know as well as he does that he needs to start putting his own needs first more often. I also know him better than he thinks. For starters he will be pissed at me for writing about this on my blog, but then he has told me on more than one occasion to write what I feel without worrying about others, so that's what I am doing.

So, for my dear friend G......Put yourself first for a while. Take time out. Don't let reality drag you down. You have lots of friends who love and care about you (me included). Life has a funny way of working out. xx

On the subject of friends...."T" have you fallen off the face of the earth again?

Musical Monday..."Trouble Sleeping"

Monday is here again and once more I have scanned my music files to find a song that adequately fits my mood. Todays song is "Trouble Sleeping" by The Perishers.

I slept wonderfully on Satuday night. Stayed over at a friends who has an amazingly comfortable bed that you just want to stay in forever!

Last night however, back in my own bed was a different story. Something is bothering me and i'm not sure what it is.
Maybe it's the interview I have lined up tomorrow. I'm a little nervous as I really need this job. It would be a new start in a new career and of course a way out of CHH.

Time is running out, and I need to get a new job before I stop getting my full sick pay from CHH. I will find something, I have no doubt about that, but what kind of salary will it be? I suspect i'm going to end up dropping a couple of thousand. Oh well, as long as my stress levels are reduced then perhaps I can start studying again in September. Open evening at the college this wednesday night. I think i'm going to sign up for a couple of A levels and try to get my brain functioning again!

Wish me luck at 10.30am tomorrow, it's interview time. I have the fancy suit, the high heeled shoes, the new haircut and a new handbag. I have researched the company and the role. Let's hope it's enough.

Saturday, May 20, 2006

Private moments.

It was 3.12am when I groggily opened my eyes this morning. The skin on my thighs was still warm from sleep and had adherred somewhat uncomfortably to the leather sofa. I don't recall how I got there. I remember going to bed at midnight, crawling under the duvet and turning on CSI. I was sleepy, a feeling of contentment slowly travelling through my body.

Then I wake up on the sofa. Some bizarre tv show about ghosts on the background and the flat was illuminated with the light from every bulb in every room.

More confusing than worrying, since I am often prone to forgetfulness, strange dreams, and (more occasionally) ghostly contact.
I wont elaborate since I feel no compelling need to defend what I know to be true to the many sceptics out there.
What did intrigue me though was the fact that as I crawled back into bed I thought "I must blog about this"

Many of my private thoughts and feelings make into onto this blog when I cant vocally express them to a friend. However, I have noticed recently that my blog has become more of a diary of daily events than the emotional rollercoaster it used to be. I have my dark depressed days where I rant on about the unfairness of life, and work etc, but I rarely get into any more than that. I was recently I discovered why. Through blogging I have made many friends - some of whom I now know outside of the world wide web. Those are people I see, face to face. So my blog has changed. I am cautious of disclosing to these people what I am feeling, the same as I am cautious with friends that live nearby. I have to face these people.

A blog is so personal. It's the equivelant of a diary (to me anyway)...Would you let a close friend read your diary? Knowing that your thoughts change on a daily basis....

Friday, May 19, 2006

The calm before the storm.

Today is the day I face off against my the senior manager of the department I work in at Corporate Hell Hole(from here referred to as CHH). This manager who I will call Mr Slime (for obvious reasons) has called me four times while I have been signed off work badgering me to go and meet with him about what my 'problems' are.
I did actually tell him outright that it was my boss that was the problem and that she was making my working life a living hell. He asked why I hadn't approached him before and I told him it was because I didn't believe for one second that it would make any difference.

I guess we will see. I am meeting with him at 1.30pm today back at CHH to discuss options and in his words 'fully aprise him of the situation'.
Don't you just hate office politics and bullshit jargon? Why couldn't he just say "We'll have a chat and see if we can figure out what the problem is and how we can solve it" Does he have to sound so damn clinical?
But then I don't suppose at this stage he can do anything right. I mean, first of all he is a guy (nuff said!!)..secondly he is a creepy little bastard, and thirdly I wouldn't trust him as far as i can throw him.

Funny (but vile) little story about him. I was at work one day and I had to go and speak to him about something so I wandered over to his desk and stood back while he finished chatting with a colleague. He clearly hadn't seen me waiting, since whilst he was talking he put his arm behind him and started digging around in his ass cheeks! Either he had a serious itch or he was losing an item of underwear to a place where the sun never shines. It's kind of hard to look at them without smirking after you just saw something like that!! (See NML, it's not just your office - all men have a wierd arse obsession)

At least it's friday though. I have quite a busy weekend ahead. Two or three friends I need to catch up with, going to the cinema, and a stack of overdue ironing that I need to get done before I start to run out of clothes.

Hope you all have fab weekends, and thanks for the kind comments yesterday.

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

Thoughts in blue.

Next week is my first appointment with a counsellor who can try and find some shred of sanity in the tangled mess that resides in my head. I have a disturbing knack for turning a good experience into something I can worry obsessively about. In fact, I often don't even need a specific thought.

Tonight was a perfect example. I found myself with a night to myself - something of a rarity these days. Instead of enjoying it, I couldn't help but drift off into that place in my head where everything is dark and all thoughts are gloomy.
I spent a large part of 3 hours laid on the sofa in the dark. Eyes wide open. Thinking random thoughts that lacked any real direction. I told myself to snap out of it, get the hell up and do something but I just couldn't do it.

When I get like that it's almost as though someone or something is literally draining the positivity from me and I have to fight like hell to hang onto it. The longer I fight it the weaker I get, but the less I fight the more mired in melancholy I become.

I must be a candidate for the nuthouse! Fortunately (I suppose) these sad spells evaporate almost as suddenly as they appear. One impromptu phone call from a friend, and whatever demons I am mentally battling, flee back to the darkest corners of my mind.

I should have had a job interview today. Three hours before I was due to arrive, I recieved a phone call telling me that the position was no longer open. In fact that it is 'on hold indefinately'
Typical - the call came right after I just spend money I could ill afford on getting my hair cut and styled at a proper salon.

Anyway - tomorrow should be better. I am meeting a friend for lunch - someone who used to work at the hell hole where I am employed and left because of the same person who is currently driving me out. I suspect he and I will have a damn good bitching session. After he regales me with his travel stories of course - he gets to fly around as an air steward for Virgin Atlantic, while the rest of us push a pen around or tap at a keyboard all day long.
Then it's catch up time again with Hal and his 'missus'. I have to call her that because they are SO joined at the hip!

I leave you with this question....who decided that blue and black were sad and depressing colours? Why is blue the colour of sadness, red the colour of anger, yellow the colour of hope and pink the colour of love?....

Monday, May 15, 2006

Musical Monday..."May Angels Lead you in"

Todays musical Monday track is from a band called Jimmy Eat World. I love this song.

Hope you all like the picture too. I spent the better part of an hour trying to find just the right one to go with the song.

I've had a relaxing weekend. Spent time with friends and family and generally tried to wind down from the stresses that seem to besiege the rest of my time.

Friday I had a wander out with Hal. We grabbed coffee in town and had the catch up that we had both been trying to find time for since getting back from Berlin. He is so settled with his girlfriend now that's it's scary! They are buying a house together and discussing decorating styles. I spent friday evening at my aunts house, eating chinese food and watched Will Smith do his thing in Bad Boys 2. My aunt has a 50" flat widescreen tv that was almost like having Will Smith in the room with us (drool) I did end up agreeing to babysit my cousin all day on Saturday though. Long time readers will recall my ambivalence towards children. my cousin is 12 years old and very, very quiet.
Fortunately, she seemed satisfied to feed my cats so many treats that their stomachs appeared to visibly expand, and watch her favourite Hillary Duff movie 'A Cinderella Story'
Six hours in her compant though was exhausting and it was a relief to spend the remainder of the evening lying on the sofa eating Haagen Daaz and watching 'You've Got Mail'
You can't beat a good old chick flick for relaxation.

This week I have to try and follow up on some employment leads. With a little luck I should have some final interviews lined up soon. I also have to meet with one of the senior manager from work to discuss filing an official grievance against my bitch of a manager. I am dreading that meeting. Just the thought of it makes me feel sick.
Hopefully though, I wont have to go back to work until I can hand in my notice.

Meantime, enjoy the track, and Happy Musical Monday to all.

Saturday, May 13, 2006

What goes around comes around...

I was sent this email yesterday. It's one of those 'You must forward it to 9 people or else, blah, blah, blah'. However, the moral of this story is What goes around comes around, and I rather liked it. Apparently it is National friendship week, so I hope I can be forgiven for being a little mushy. Oh and talking of friends...this picture is of two of my cats, Spike(left) and Loulou. They looked so sweet cuddled up like that I had to take a photo.

His name was Fleming, and he was a poor Scottish farmer. One day, while trying to make a living for his family, he heard a cry for help coming from a nearby bog. He dropped his tools and ran to the bog.

There, mired to his waist in black muck, was a terrified boy, screaming and struggling to free himself. Farmer Fleming saved the lad from what could have been a slow and terrifying death.

The next day, a fancy carriage pulled up to the Scotsman's sparse surroundings An elegantly dressed nobleman stepped out and introduced himself as the father of the boy Farmer Fleming had saved.

"I want to repay you," said the nobleman. "You saved my son's life."

"No, I can't accept payment for what I did," the Scottish farmer replied waving off the offer. At that moment, the farmer's own son came to the doorof the family hovel.

"Is that your son?" the nobleman asked.

"Yes," the farmer replied proudly.

"I'll make you a deal. Let me provide him with the level of education my own
son will enjoy. If the lad is anything like his father, he'll no doubt growto be a man we both will be proud of." And that he did.

Farmer Fleming's son attended the very best schools and in time, graduated from St. Mary's Hospital Medical School in London, and went on to become known throughout the world as the noted Sir Alexander Fleming, the discoverer of Penicillin.

Years afterward, the same nobleman's son who was saved from the bog was stricken with pneumonia. What saved his life this time? Penicillin.

The name of the nobleman? Lord Randolph Churchill.

His son's name? Sir Winston Churchill.

Work like you don't need the money. Love like you've never been hurt. Dance like nobody's watching. Sing like nobody's listening. Live like it's Heaven on Earth.

Thursday, May 11, 2006

The letters game...and it starts with an "R"

Thanks to KimmyK for todays blog post topic.

If you want to play, the game is:

Make a comment saying so and I'll give you a letter. You then have to think of 10 words that start with that letter and they must mean something in particular to you and your life.

My letter is "R" given to me by KimmyK.

Romance - has to be the first one I thought of because who wants a life without some kind of romance? Not me.

Rain - I love the sound of the rain outside. Pounding against the window pane. I love to walk in rain when it's summer and the rain is warm.

Richmond - The brand of Cigarettes I smoke (menthols) Filthy habit I know.

Reading - Something I love to do. I read a LOT. Last book I finished was Angels and Demons by Dan Brown.

Random - Something I have been accused of being during the course of many a conversation.

Reindeer Section - The fantastic band who sing one of my all time favourite songs "Your Sweet Voice"

Remember - I have a serious inability to remember anything after a certain amount of alcohol has been consumed. In fact my ability to remember anything is not good when sober either.

(wow this is hard!!!)

Rocky - One of my favourite films. Not just because I adore Sly Stallone, but because I love the story of the underdog coming good.

Relax - I am learning how to do this. One step at a time, a combination of a very good friend and some life lessons are teaching me that things aren't always as they seem, and are rarely as bad as I expect them to be.

Recruitment - The industry in whcih I am chasing a new career. Fingers and toes crossed.

Damn, that was a lot harder than I thought it would be. Like KimmyK I am not tagging anyone, but if you want to play then leave me a comment asking for a letter and I shall give you one (a letter that is!!)

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

Getting back my confidence.

Ahh, where to start? First of all I had a lovely weekend with my friend, we watched dvds, chatted until the early hours and just generally chilled out. It was just what I needed to recharge my batteries.

The last couple of days have been spent searching the internet for jobs, and talking on the phone with various agencies who are trying to match me to the right position.

Today has been great though! I went to register with an agency and was greeted by the director of the company who wanted to discuss with me the possibility of me working directly for her at the new office they have set up in my town!! No travelling, great bonus and commission, and best of all a whole new career with prospects. We chatted for 30 mins or so and she is going to call me back to meet with the co-director, and meet with the staff at the local office to see how i would fit in.

Yesterday, I had a telephone interview with a finance company who are keen to meet with me for the next stage of the interview process - but it is dependant upon me getting the papers from the court which officially end my bankrupcy. Having spoken to the court they assure me I will have them by the end of the month and the employer is holding back the second stage of interviews until I have my papers as they think I would be perfect for the job.

I had another interview this afternoon too. It went really well and I have been asked back to meet the manager and discuss terms of employment.

Finally I feel like I have options. In my current job they have done a great job of making me feel useless, and in two days of interviews I already have some confidence back. It completeley reinforces my belief that leaving my current job is the right thing to do.

So, three possible jobs, an end to my bankruptcy and I start my counselling on the 25th of this month. Perhaps this year really will turn out to be great after all!

Monday, May 08, 2006

Musical Monday...

It seems to get harder each week to choose a new an original song to post for this monday blogging phenomenon.....This week the track is 'Shy' by Tiger Baby.

I love this song.

I should point out that a lot of my diverse musical taste comes from my friend Camden. He has shared a lot of music with me over the years and it was he that introduced me to this band, Tiger Baby.

I hope you enjoy it as much as I did the first time I heard it.

Saturday, May 06, 2006


The job hunt is progressing quite nicely to say i've only been at it a couple of days. I've passed a telephone interview and been selected for a second interview for one job. Been accepted for an interview for two others, and i'm waiting to hear about an interview on a job that would be absolutely perfect for me. I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

I'm certain I have made the right choice in deciding to get out of there. My health means more to me than money and if I have to take a pay cut and start a new career then that's what I will do.

I have a friend coming to stay this weekend, which I am sure will be fun. Tonight will be a night for watching lots of dvd's and chatting until the early hours of the morning.

This next week is going to be a busy one. I have three interviews lined up with agencies and several application forms that need filling out.

In between job hunting activities I am finally getting to grips with my spring cleaning. Amazing the things you can find the time for when you know you don't have to conserve energy for a job you detest.

I'll leave you with this article which I was send by email - it gave me a good laugh.

Wednesday, May 03, 2006

Make or break.

I cracked yesterday.
I had an anxiety attack so bad that I ended up sat on the floor in the shower room at work crying and shaking uncontrollably.

Those of you who have been reading my blog for some time will know that I suffer from depression and that I try very hard to fight it off. To remain positive. To find a silver lining for each cloud. Unfortunately, the situation at work has become unbearable. My manager is doing everything in her power to make my life miserable. She is succeeding too.

I am now signed off work for a month for what my doctor calls "work related stress" and I have to use this time to actively seek other employment. I don't care if I have to go back to working in a factory. I don't much care if I end up with a job cleaning toilets for a living - but I refuse to allow that fucking bitch the satisfaction of firing me. It would seem that it's a case of constructive dismissal. I just don't have the strength to fight it right now.

This is make or break time for me. I am applying for more jobs than I ever have done before. The good the bad and the downright crappy...but as long as they don't leave me sat on the floor shaking and unable to breathe i'd say they have to be better than the one I have got at the moment.

Wish me luck, i'll keep you updated.
Special thanks to G, Medusa, Wonderweb, and S for keeping me sane. Thanks also to WDKY for giving me some good advice.

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

Musical Monday.

Bloody audioblog wouldn't let me sign in properly at all yesterday so I have finally done it this morning and cheated ever so slightly by backdating the timestamp. I will post properly later today (and also catch up on my comments) but for now - here are The Cardigans with "Live and Learn" .....Fabulous!!.......

Thursday, April 27, 2006

I don't even want to imagine how bad the menopause must feel because pure pmt will give me almost all the above symptoms every month. I can go from zero to bitch in 0.5 seconds.

Work isn't getting any better, in fact it's getting worse. Every day when my alarm goes off I want to smash it against the wall and bury my head under the pillow and stay there. Imagine working in a place where they actually get people to make up jobs for you to do, just so that you look busy. I'm not talking jobs that would have needed doing eventually anyway, or even jobs that are not urgent, but necessary. No, these jobs are total nonsense time filling fluff designed to keep senior management from realising that most of our time is spent twiddling our thumbs and playing on the internet.

Have I mentioned that favouritism plays a huge part in the office politics where I work too? I seriously doubt I will progress very far within this company as I have a serious aversion to arse kissing. I'll leave that to the people who are the current "favourites".

Oh, and here's an interesting topic for discussion:

A man had great tickets for the FA Cup final.
As he sits down, another man comes over and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him. No," he says. "The seat is empty."
"This is incredible!" said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the FA Cup Final, the biggest Sporting event in the world and not use it?"
He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was Supposed to come with me, but she passed away. This is the first FA Cup final that we haven't been to together Since we got married."
"Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't You find someone else - a friend or relative, or even a neighbour to take the seat?"

The man shakes his head. "No they're all at the funeral."

I sent this joke out to a few people yesterday - key word there being 'joke' I didn't seriously expect to find anyone who would actually put football before the funeral of a loved one. However, my faith was unfounded. My friend G was adamant that "it would depend what match it was as to whether he would be at the game or at the funeral" I was outraged, and disgusted - and told him so.

Your thoughts? Is there anything that could make you miss the funeral of someone you loved? (except being physically unable to go)..........

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

Don't ya hate it when that happens?.....

Everything seemed to be moving along nicely in a reasonably straightforward fashion and then life goes and throws you a curve ball or two. Although I have a number of issues that I am currently working on, I genuinley believed I had things under control. For the most part at least.
I've been having some rather bizzare dreams for the last week. Inappropriate dreams, sometimes of a steamy nature. I'm waking up feeling as though i've actually had no sleep and it affecting my day since my lunch time I am exhausted. Not all of my dreams are particularly enjoyable either. They are confusing and muddled. Faces are blurry.
I've had a non stop headache since Friday night and the horse riding made it somewhat worse. Actually that's unfair - my unsupported chest bouncing up and down made it worse! (The spectators must have had a right laugh!)
The situation at work is bearable, but the fact that I have a nasty case of pms is really not helping my desire to tell my boss to shove her endless spreadsheets up a place where the sun doesn't shine (take your pick!!)
My friend G has listened to me go on and on lately about these things, with seemingly endless patience. Today however he made me cry. I'm sure it wasn't the intention. He took something I said the wrong way and sent me a rather harsh email. It was followed by an apology but the mascara was already smeared over my face by this point.
There is a rather good chance that the pms is making me far more prone to tears than I would normally be, but it still upset me.
I think tonight is going to be much the same as last night, a long hot bubble bath, followed by a bit of a pamper session with endless left over Body Shop products from my kit. Last night I was smelling of blueberries, tonight I think it's going to be papaya, or maybe passion fruit....
Either way - lets hope tomorrow is a better day.

Oh and I heard from a couple of the jobs I have gone for - both of them want me to relocate. One to London, and the other to Manchester. Decisions, decisions.........

Monday, April 24, 2006

Musical Monday, and other stuff.

This picture represents what I would like to do to my boss! If I manage to get myself another job then I will revel in the ability to hand in my notice with a gleeful smile and sarcastic "I sure will miss this place"

I've had a fun weekend, Friday night was spent with a couple of friends. I cooked for them and we sat around chatting and laughing till the early hours of the morning. Yes people I can cook, althoguh I was less than used when Wonderweb poured ketchup all over my lovely roasted chicken. Some people are strange!

Saturday I had to do the dreaded shopping that I had put off before because of the screaming child. I emerged from Asda, £90 worse off. Though I did have to stump up £33 of that for a new computer chair. I completely trashed my last one - according to my friend G by swinging on it like a monkey! I think he is referring to the fact that I lean right back on it and have done so often that I wore out the mechanism. At least it was easy enough to get the flat pack in the house - I shoved it through the front window. There have been a couple of cars vandalised in my area recently so I have started driving up the grass bank and parking my car right under the front window. I almost feel sorry for anyone who dares to wake me up in the middle of the night by breaking into my car. I can't imagine the sight of me waking up with my hair sticking up all over the place would be any less than frightful.

Yesterday was fun. I went horse riding with another friend M. At 9.30am on a Sunday morning I had a huge beast between my legs...haha. It was a giant of a horse called Ellie and oh man am I feeling it today. Someone really should have warned me that 1.) I should invest in a sports bra, and 2.) I would be seriously saddle sore.
Despite the pain though I fully plan on going again soon. it was fun and horses really are fantastic creatures.

Right, enough with the waffle and on the to trend that is sweeping the blog world - Musical Monday. Todays choice is very mellow, but listen to it all the way through, it picks up tempo. Here it is "Comforting Sounds" by Mew.

Friday, April 21, 2006

Whose destiny is it anyway?

I took the afternoon off work yesterday to wait at home for a man to come out and inspect my heat meter which is currently running me up a bill I can't even begin to afford. Apparently I use about £50 of heating per week these days, how strange that I only used to use around £5 a week. A hell of a difference isn't it but they are insisting that their meter isn't faulty. One thing is for sure, they won't be getting a large sum of money from me anytime soon!

The day got even better when I realised I had yet to do my weeks shopping. if I haven't mentioned it before - I detest shopping and I will happily go for weeks on end without spending any of my hard earned cash on anythign so mundane as grocery shopping. It was something of a joke between "T" and myself that I rarely set foot in a supermarket and when I did it was ususally because he dragged me there (not literally of course). I got to Asda and wouldn't you just know it - there was a child being pushed around in a trolley while he screamed so loud that i'm surprised my friends in the US couldn't hear his not very dulcet tones.
I threw a few things in my trolley and got the hell out of there before I tried to find out how much fun it would be to gag the little brat. No i'm not a mother, nor do I want to be anytime soon. Children are fabulous when they are quiet, but when they start screamng like that - ugh, it gives me the shudders.

So I got home, put a few things away and sat on the sofa waiting for my friend S to come round. The phone rang and it was my friend Medusa calling to tell me that she has been awarded a promotion at work. I am genuinely happy for her but I couldn't help but wonder what exactly I am not doing. Clearly I am either failing to do my job satisfactorily, or else my face just doesn't fit the image they desire. Either way, I was having a bit of a whinge to a friend of mine this morning and he gave me some very good advice "You control your own destiny". Prior to that I had been assuming the negative outlook of the situation and doing the whole "woe is me" rubbish. What I have done since is used my time to update and revamp my cv (resume) and circulate it to headhunters, agencies and job search websites. I already have one lead.
So, thankyou to my friend for giving me some very good advice which amounted to a verbal kick up the arse. Perhaps this new found motivation will find me a new and better paying job where I am actually appreciated for the skills I can offer.

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

13 Conversations about one thing.

So, for once the dark and gloomy picture I have posted is reflective of something other than things going on in my life.
I chose it because I have just watched what might be one of the worst, most depressing films I have ever seen and couldn't bring myself to put a nice picture to it. The film "13 Conversations about one thing" starring Matthew Mconnaughy(which was of course my reason for watching it) was without a doubt in the top 3 worst films of all time. For starters it didn't make a whole lot of sense. It skipped forward and backward in time, telling the stories of different people whose lives all collectively sucked! There was a hit and run, two suicides, much drunken wallowing and to top it all off, no real ending.

Now there's two hours of my life i'm never getting back!! Take my advice all - don't waste your time. Even hot stuff Matthew Mconnaughy couldn't make it worth while since he played someone who tried to do himself in by blood poisoning. I think the only film i've seen that left me feeling worse was "City of Angels" with Meg Ryan. When I watch what I assume to be a love story, I expect the prerequisite happy ending. That movie failed to hit the spot - big time!

I think for my next movie i'll choose something starring Jim Carrey. At least with him laughs are almost guaranteed, even if it's only laughing at his silly facial expressions.

Monday, April 17, 2006

Musical Monday...

Todays track is "Goodnight and Go" By Imogen Heap. For those of you who haven't heard of her, she was the singer in the band Frou Frou and she has a fabulous voice.

I first heard her when watching Zach Braffs classic film Garden State. The theme track "Let Go" was one of those songs that I played over and over again.

Anyway - hope you like todays selection.

Friday, April 14, 2006

Just a bit of fun

Ok I saw this on le chat qui a peur's blog and thought it looked fun. I'm not tagging people, but if you want to do it, go right ahead.

The Rules:
1. You can only say YES or NO!
2. You are NOT ALLOWED to explain ANYTHING unless someone messages you and asks!

Taken a picture naked? : yes
Made out with a member of the same sex? : yes
Danced in front of your mirror? : yes
Told a lie? : yes
Gotten in a car with people you just met?: yes
Been in a fist fight? : yes
Had feelings for someone who didn't have them back? : yes
Been arrested? : no
Slept in a bed with a member of the same sex? : yes
Seen someone die? : yes
Kissed a picture? : yes
Slept in until 3? : yes
Laid on your back and watched cloud shapes go by? : yes
Played dress up? : yes
Fallen asleep at work? : yes
Had sex at work? : no
Felt an earthquake? : no
Touched a snake? : no
Ran a red light? : yes
Been in a car accident? : yes
Pole danced? : no
Been lost? : yes
Sang karaoke? : yes
Done something you told yourself you wouldn't? : yes
Laughed until something you were drinking came out your nose? : yes
Caught a snowflake on your tongue? : yes
Kissed in the rain? : yes
Sang in the shower? : yes
Got your tongue stuck to a pole? : no
Sat on a roof top? : no
Played chicken? : no
Raised chickens? : no
Been pushed into a pool with all your clothes on? : no
Been told you're hot by a complete stranger? : yes
Broken a bone? : yes
Mooned/flashed someone? : yes
Forgotten someone's name? : yes
Slept naked? : yes
Blacked out from drinking? : yes
Played a prank on someone? : yes
Felt like killing someone? : yes
Made a parent cry? : yes
Cried over someone? : yes
Had sex more than 5 times in one day? : yes
Had/Have a dog? : yes
Been in a band? : yes
Drank 25 sodas in a day? : no
Shot a gun? : no